nightly

Isn’t this weird and I
feel like a girl with
all this hopeful and wish
ful thinking lying here and
dreaming of how
you would lie over there
just as restless as me and how you would rise
and come over and ask me why wasn’t I sleeping
and I’d say I couldn’t
and you’d say me neither
and I get all hyper
active and hyper
sensitive when I can’t sleep I start to
hear think feel
all kinds of things like a ticking that can’t be there
because I excluded all clocks from my room
in order to make it a ticking-free zone and
your hand on my shoulder which isn’t there
and I avoid looking at the watch and prefer
watching you as you lie there
with your soft voice and your soft
eyes closed
awareness of time would only spoil the moment
I would tell you tomorrow when you ask me how I slept
that I couldn’t and that I get all hyper
active and hyper
sensitive when I can’t sleep
and that I got up and got some water
although I know of course I only did
this to pass by you in my nightgown
hoping you’d wake up and see me and
get ideas but this I wouldn’t tell you
I’d say I woke up and I was thirsty
extremely thirsty and I was
only not for water
but who cares, there still is a true core in there
and then I wrote some poetry and
later on I woke
up again and this time I wrote some prose
but then I had to sleep til morning
for I’m not a dramatist
and yes, I find this real romantic although
there’s somehow
missing part of it
I walked around as quietly as I could
in order not to wake you up but still so
you could hear me if you were a light sleeper
and actually I wanted
you to notice that was what I was doing
and isn’t it
funny that what we want the other one to know
about us is not as secretive as we some
times think?
I want you to know I’m caringly daring
and open towards things and that
I would try and I just can’t find the guts
to actually do
but maybe you could with your
beauty and talent and self-confidence
and that beautiful voice of yours and
those beautiful eyes of yours maybe
you’d find a spark somewhere inside your body
and send it over to me
the greatness of this moment lies in me not
being aware of any consequences for tomorrow although
I can vividly imagine my condition in the morning which will show this nightly activity in many worse ways than I will now want to realize and that’s so fantastic about that
tonight it’s just you without yourself and me
forgetting myself
I hear and smell the silence and I can taste the darkness and this time
I feel even weirder about getting water
because I don’t believe in second chances and because
fate obviously did not
believe in me tonight
I hear you moving
pulling your blanket aside
and
getting up but I
also hear the non-existent clock tick again
and now I’m confused about my senses only
my consciousness is asleep and far away
so that doesn’t matter too much.
I start typing for
typing is a thing I can do at any time
though I had forbidden myself to
take my
computer into bed for safety reasons
to protect my spare time
and separate it from work
but it hasn’t worked in this case and I guess that’s okay with me.
I know you need your sleep and to
morrow’s im
portant and I kn
ow you’re not here be
cause of me but I
can’t care about these things now
cause I’m a dreamer and I tend to
dream my life away in moments like these
and also be
cause I did not quite expect you
so handsome and holy and impressive when you first an
nounced your coming here and stay
ing with me all alone for the night.
I’m not sure I’d want things to change now at all.
the magic consists of me dreaming and does
not the classical holly
wood movie exist in the head and only and exceptionlessly
there because imagination and that soft thrill are
more beautiful and sweeter when they’re not bothered
by reality and not slowed down by
time?
I hear you. You move the blanket aside, it’s white and has different colorful spots on it which does not matter in the slightest since it’s dark anyway you get up
and stand up and now I can hear your
steps – are you getting water for thirst?
or are you trying to impress me with your soundless movements? You can’t trick me,
handsome, in this state of mind I hear things
whatever you do. So maybe
as you were hoping I’d hear you you would
have had the same ideas but then again
I guess you can call it cowardice or
destiny I can’t assume you want me to
come over like Julia Roberts did and
you don’t do that either.
Good night then, dreamscape, good night
holiness, good night, freedom of thought and
speech. I have to go back to sleep
now, I fear to wake up and lose my muse.

(2009 May)